Talking with Children About Death, Dying and Grieving
A message from Julie Marrast, parent coach, author and founder of Parenting Through Feeling:
Do you have a child asking about it or who has experienced a death?
I just did my certification with Home Hospice Association. They have a course on how to talk to kids about death. I highly recommend it.
A few pointers:
1. Be real about death: As we live in a death phobic society, it’s vital the adult sharing about the concept and experience of death self-reflect on their beliefs and understandings of death and the depth of grief that comes with it. It helps adults be calm, casual and not put fear into kids, as death is natural and a normal part of life. Have you spent time exploring your relationship with death?
2. Get comfortable with Emotional Release: Death is a huge topic that needs regular conversations in small doses gauging each individual child’s interest and age. It’s vital to continually create space for big emotions and offtrack kids. Have you explored your beliefs about big emotions? Most of us grew up unable to feel our emotions about our life experiences. Death brings huge anger, fear and sadness. It doesn’t just show up in conversations. Kids get offtrack behavior that sometimes doesn’t correlate to the present. This is where the grief sneaks in. Examples of where emotions can be hidden: bedtime separation; you going to do something else; your child breaks something or loses a favorite toy; plans change; clinginess at drop offs.
3. Its a village effort: Ensure you tell all the other adults who care for the child, as kids will continue to process the concept of death long after conversations are over. I highly recommend you take a course as it’s the biggest topic in our human experience and needs a lot of training to do it properly. It’s an ongoing life lesson. I took a course through hospice as part of my death doula training plus the training of Hand in Hand Parenting to support the emotional aspect of supporting kids in understanding death.
I recommend:
Home Hospice Association certificate program: Talking with Kids about Dying, Death and Grieving
Articles about supporting kids’ emotions when it comes to death, from Hand in Hand Parenting:
The Death Question: When your child asks “Will you die?”
And for general information and support about parenting and emotions (starting with your own emotions), see Hand in Hand Parenting’s 6-week course for parents.
A Book to Look For – reviewed by Catherine Myers
Giving Hope: Conversations with Children About Illness, Death, and Loss
By Elena Lister, MD and Michael Schwartzman, PhD with Lindsey Tate
What can parents do to help children when they experience illness, death and loss? Although you might think you don’t need this book now, reading it can open your eyes to the importance of talking about death as the fact of life it is. As the authors point out, children notice death all around us: a dead fly on the windowsill, brown stalks where flowers once bloomed. We live in a culture that generally does a poor job of acknowledging loss and sadness.
With gentle encouragement, plenty of stories and clear principles, Drs. Elena Lister and Michael Schwartzman offer us expert guidance on helping children—and ourselves—through difficult times.
“Your attunement to your child, this flow of emotional currents between you, lies at the heart of your bond with her and will help you enormously as you navigate talking with her about something upsetting.”
The authors also encourage parents to take time to understand their own emotional experiences, and urge us to seek professional help if we are struggling. Compelling stories illuminate their guidance, showing how children and parents can “handle hard things and get through to where hope resides.”
Reading this book helped me feel more confident and prepared for talking with my grandchildren when inevitable loss comes along next. I wish I’d had it when my children were growing up. In addition to explaining essential principles of talking with children about loss, the authors address specific situations including the death of a sibling, parent, or other close family member, a death in the community, death by suicide, terminal illness, and news of death in the media.
Every parent and child will encounter a loss or death, sooner or later. Drs. Lister and Schwartzman have decades of experience in helping families through hard times, and they generously share their professional expertise as well as their personal experiences.
Giving Hope is a warm, engaging read in spite of its difficult topic. Read it; keep it on your bookshelf as an essential resource. You’ll be better prepared for life’s most challenging times, and you’ll able to turn to it again, like a reliable friend, for great advice and comfort.