A message from Julie Marrast, parent coach, author and founder of Parenting Through Feeling.
Do you have a child asking about it or who has experienced a death?
I just did my certification with Home Hospice Association. They have a course on how to talk to kids about death. I highly recommend it.
A few pointers:
1. Be real about death: As we live in a death phobic society, it's vital the adult sharing about the concept and experience of death self-reflect on their beliefs and understandings of death and the depth of grief that comes with it. It helps adults be calm, casual and not put fear into kids, as death is natural and a normal part of life. Have you spent time exploring your relationship with death?
2. Get comfortable with Emotional Release: Death is a huge topic that needs regular conversations in small doses gauging each individual child's interest and age. It's vital to continually create space for big emotions and offtrack kids. Have you explored your beliefs about big emotions? Most of us grew up unable to feel our emotions about our life experiences. Death brings huge anger, fear and sadness. It doesn’t just show up in conversations. Kids get offtrack behavior that sometimes doesn't correlate to the present. This is where the grief sneaks in. Examples of where emotions can be hidden: bedtime separation; you going to do something else; your child breaks something or loses a favorite toy; plans change; clinginess at drop offs.
3. Its a village effort: Ensure you tell all the other adults who care for the child, as kids will continue to process the concept of death long after conversations are over. I highly recommend you take a course as it's the biggest topic in our human experience and needs a lot of training to do it properly. It's an ongoing life lesson. I took a course through hospice as part of my death doula training plus the training of Hand in Hand Parenting to support the emotional aspect of supporting kids in understanding death.
I recommend:
Home Hospice Association certificate program: Talking with Kids about Dying, Death and Grieving
Articles about supporting kids' emotions when it comes to death, from Hand in Hand Parenting:
The Death Question: When your child asks "Will you die?"
And for general information and support about parenting and emotions (starting with your own emotions), see Hand in Hand Parenting's 6-week course for parents.